Can an older dog change his thinking.

I haven't written in a while because I was frustrated by the lack of feedback from those who were reading what I wrote.

I had started writing in the hopes that I would "meet"  new people and hopefully hear different viewpoints.

So far that hasn't really happened.

But I realize that for me writing is a healthy way for me to express myself and I think it helps me to think more logically and get my thoughts and ideas in order.

I have made enough mistakes, done things that have left me with bad credit and built up a huge enough student loan that I will probably never come close to paying off. I have messed up my life bad enough that I live off the government. I'm not proud of it and I never envisioned things being this way.

I am the result of what happens when you have no goals, no real aspirations and didn't care about what I should have cared about.

I have lived 20+ years by myself and for the most part I enjoyed living alone.

Recently, I had a good friend come back into my life.  She's in her late 20's with a 3 year old son. Her situation was so bad that it was either have her go to a shelter or stay with me.  There was no way that I was going to have her stay in a shelter. She's a really good person with a great heart and is full of life.

She has been here almost 3 weeks now and I have thoroughly enjoyed have her here and I really want her to stay.Since leaving my parent's home at 18 I have not had many living situations that felt like I was with family.  The last time I believe I felt this way was in the first year of my five year marriage.

On the few occasions I have had someone stay with me for a little while I have regretted it after a few days. In almost weeks I have really enjoyed have Amanda here and she has helped my life be a lot better by helping me around the apartment.

The problem is that there have been two instances that were not Amanda's fault that have irked the manager off to the point she wants Amanda to leave.

For a few days we let another friend stay here and that was a huge disaster. Dumb move on my part. One of the days the friend stayed her she got Amanda's car keys and moved the car by the pool and turned the music up.  By all accounts the neighbors saw Amanda's friend drive the car to the pool and Amanda moved the car as soon as she knew what was happening.

The second incident was all my fault. I received the notice from the landlord that the parking lots were going to be repaved and that all cars had to be moved at 8 am. I forgot to tell Amanda that and so she didn't move the car a didn't answer the door when the landlord knocked because she thought it was her friend trying to get back in the apartment.  If I had told her to move her car that wouldn't have happened.

Originally, I had wanted Amanda to stay as long as it takes for her to get back on her feet. And we told the manager that Amanda was just was waiting for her apartment to be ready because we figured that would buy some time. I have reason to believe the manager will ask her to leave tomorrow.

I don't want Amanda to leave at all. She and her son have helped me mentally, physically and emotionally. There have been plenty of moments where it has felt like having a family of my own. And this situation may be the only way that I will have to feel like I have a family of my own.

I want to be there for her as she gets her life together. I want to see her son, Wyatt grow up and see what kind of person he will become.  I would like to have some influence in his life and I would like to be a positive role model in his life.

I want to experience the closest thing to a daily family life that I will probably ever have available to me. I want to have a life with people I truly love and care about.

I want to learn how to live and care about something other than just me.