Dream/reality

For a number of years now I have enjoyed reading Alternative History novels. They are novels where the author takes a historical time period and alters the course of history.

My favorite series of these types of novels so far is Harry Turtledove's, "The World War Saga". In this four novel series Mr Turtledove explores what would have happened if during a pivotal moment during World War II aliens had invaded earth in an effort to conquer the planet.

I believe that I have always been fascinated with "what if..." possibilities.

I really do believe that there are moments in all our lives that if we had done things a little differently, or made different decisions our life paths would have been different.

For me I believe the first life altering moment was at birth; and not just because of the obvious reason.  For those of you who may be reading this and may not know: I was born with Cerebral Palsy.

I have done research through the years into what Cerebral Palsy is.  And I recall some conversations with my Mom about what may have happened.

I have read and heard CP be called an "accident of birth". To actually know specifically what happened at the moment I was born is, of course, impossible.  The speculation is that when the Dr. reached in (probably with forceps) to remove me from my mother he most likely twisted my neck to the point that my nervous system was greatly impacted.  That is the theory that I most readily believe and accept. I have been told a couple other theories but they don't make sense and they are not conducive to the point I am actually trying to make.

If what I believe about my birth is true and things had happened differently who knows what I would have been. Maybe I would be the Major League pitcher I always want to be. Maybe the modern day Sandy Koufax, (I am convinced I would have been a lefty no matter what).

What I find interesting is that these "what if?..." scenarios  seem to come alive in my dreams.

For anyone who has read my writings the last few days (thanks for the few who have) my new roommate and best friend Amanda has been on my mind a lot. Last night/this morning I had a dream that we were married with four kids and a house with a nice porch. As with most dreams I son't remember much more than that.  But it was one of the best dreams I have had in a long time.

Now if I could just go back and time and fix whatever needs to be changed to make it come true.

Anybody got a DeLorean (I hope that is the right car) I can use?

Does anyone hear

Normally, I don't blog twice in one day but I feel the need to.

If anyone who reads this just thinks I am whining and crying like a wimp; you are entitled to your opinion and think what you will about me.

My Mom was right when she told me this world doesn't have to be fair.  I truly do know that we all are really alone in this life and have to do the best we can with what we have with what we got.  I believe those things really are truths of the reality of life.

And even though I normally cringe inside when I hear the statements: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "Things happen for a reason", I have my doubts but I believe they are truths about the reality of life also.

But I am just at the point where I feel that no one is really listening to me I have explained to my Dr., Section 8 counselor, landlord and even Amanda that I know that I can no longer handle living alone and none of them seem to be REALLY, REALLY listening.

And it hurts me, angers me, frustrates me and I feel like I am at the end of the rope so to speak.

I write this now because Amanda said to me "Well, if the Dr. won't write the note, I'll just have to move out." Just like she doesn't want to but it is no big deal. It is more than a big deal to me. But no one seems to be hearing me.

Don't get me wrong, if the very worst comes down and I have to live alone again; I will find a way to do so.  I have gotten through worse.

Mom said I am like the rotor rooter of life I just take in the crap and keep on going.

What really bothers me right now is that people seem to be listening but no one seems to be really HEARING me and really caring about me.

It is most likely selfish that I feel this way.  But is that not something every one of us has gone through at one time or another?

Being human is never easy and the challenges seem overwhelming some times.

I am very overwhelmed and I don't know how I will make it.

And God, if you are listening and hearing.  Please help.

Am I too simpl minded?

I have never thought of myself as a complicated person and I never wanted to be too complicated. I don't think I am a simpleton either.  From time to time I have done things that would appear to be not too intelligent but I really think I am not alone in that.

I have tried to cut down on the number of political articles that I read and political shows that I view. I have come to the conclusion that on a national basis there really is no such thing as unbiased political shows or reporting. So it is pretty much a useless waste of time to view or read those types of things.

Earlier today while checking my email I received a message from Twitter that

Adrian krieg @DrAdrianKrieg   is following me.

{ Please excuse the bad formatting, apparently copying and pasting from my email was not the best thing to do}.

I have heard of the guy and believed he had conservative views. I was also bored so I thought what the heck. clicked on an article link and started to read. http://www.a2zpublications.com/blog/38/Neo-con%E2%80%99s-impact.  I am posting the link just in case anyone reading this is interested.

I tend to read a lot of things on a daily basis. I like keeping my mind occupied. And I would like to think that I understand 95-99% if what I read.

But every once in a while I read something that I know is English but it makes no or little sense at all.

Once I saw the title of the blog I figured it was to be about Neo-Conservatives because I had thought that I had had heard the term before and I figured they were a group of people who may be even more conservative that Rush Limbaugh. I consider myself to be almost Liberal when compared to him but I know his points of view are shared by many.  But I digress.

But as I continued the blog I got the sense that Mr Krieg was actually writing about extreme liberals until some part of my mind seem to indicate that I had heard that President Obama actually was actually more in favor of the Palestinians than the Isreali's.

For the record I don't really follow what is going on in the Middle East so I will readily admit that I probably don't have any idea who supports who.

As I continued to read some  thoughts came to me. First, am I too simple minded to understand things like what is actually going on in the Middle East?  Do most Americans really think about what is going on outside of our own continent?  I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about any political matter that was not about National or State issues.

And finally, I began to wonder if Mr Krieg's view didn't seem like a bit of a conspiracy theory type of thing to me.

I honestly have not heard of a single conspiracy theory angle that I ever thought was accurate.  I have known a few people who have seemed to believe every conspiracy angle ever uttered.

And I have always come away from people who believe those types of things as a.) have too much time of their hands and B.) want to tie up loose ends in a tight little package where no real air tight answers really exist.

Or maybe I am just to simple minded and unintelligent to understand. I just hope I am not too dumb to know.

Government enforced solitude.

I haven't really had a chance to write during the last month because I am adjusting to having a "family".

In my last posting I wrote,'' I don't want Amanda to leave at all. She and her son have helped me mentally, physically and emotionally. There have been plenty of moments where it has felt like having a family of my own. And this situation may be the only way that I will have to feel like I have a family of my own.

I want to be there for her as she gets her life together. I want to see her son, Wyatt grow up and see what kind of person he will become.  I would like to have some influence in his life and I would like to be a positive role model in his life.

I want to experience the closest thing to a daily family life that I will probably ever have available to me. I want to have a life with people I truly love and care about.

I want to learn how to live and care about something other than just me."

All that is even more true today then when I originally posted it.  I am very thoroughly enjoying having Amanda and her son here and they feel more like family with each passing day.

There is only one problem with the situation and it has little to do with Amanda and Wyatt.  I having been living in an apartment with the aide of Section 8. I contacted them a few weeks ago to inform them of the situation and to see what could be done to legally have roommates.

I guess it was silly or naive for me to believe that they could be pro-rated  (I think that is the right term) into my lease.  That seemed like a simple enough solution to me. I understand and completely agree that the government should not have to pay for someone who is living with me.

But I don't think that I should be forced to be alone either. And that seems to be what they want. When I called Section 8 I was told that I would have to have a Dr's  note saying that it is medically NECESSARY for me to have a live in care taker.  I went to the Dr's office and he wrote a note saying "that it would be BENEFICIAL for me to have a live in caretaker."

I have not injured myself in a few years since I sprained my ankle transferring from my wheelchair to my bed. But it is honestly getting more difficult to go from the wheelchair to bed or wheelchair to tub.  I feel a lot more comfortable having a spotter now.  So from that standpoint the Dr. is technically correct.

But for Section 8's purposes "beneficial" is not good enough.

I honestly do believe it is medically necessary for me to have someone living with me for mental and emotional purposes.  From what I can remember I think I moved out of my parent's house in August 1984.  Since then I have probably lived with another person for a total of 11/2-2 years total.

I don't know if anyone who may read this will understand.  Almost 30 years of living alone is too much for me.  I try my best to get out of the apartment everyday.  I have some friends and during the daytime I am OK. But I don't get out at night too much.  And, believe it or not that has become too much for me.

I am not asking for pity, I'm not asking for special consideration.

At the moment, it is not financially feasible for Amanda and I to move. I actually want to move so I don't live next to a four lane road.  With my Social Security and Amanda's part time job we can't afford to stay here.

Why does it have to be a medically necessary situation? Why can't there be a practical solution?

I understand an agency wanting to have responsible people they are helping. But Amanda passed a background check, why isn't that good enough?

For now all I know to do is go back to the Dr. and see if he will help.

Seventy dollars for another Dr's visit WITH Medicaid.  Thanks President Obama, you're no help at all.